Can we justify overriding our child's consent because "they will thank us later"?
Radical Mothering no. 16
Hello friends,
I have a pressing question today!
Can we justify overriding our child’s consent in some things - perhaps only a couple - because we care about their “future freedom”?
Let me give you an example, or two. I was made to do swimming lessons for YEARS growing up. I never remember being asked, I never fully agreed to do it, I never really enjoyed it. I never wanted to go - I’d pretend I was asleep or sick or passed out in the car on the way there, hoping my mum would notice. I had extreme anxiety about going, but since I didn’t know what anxiety even was, I thought something was wrong with me. Or with swimming, or most likely with both. I had an authoritarian instructor who forced us to keep moving, never take breaks, and there was a lot of shouting and threats involved.
Sounds like hell, right? But hear me out. Now I can swim. Not only can I swim, but I can swim well. I can do all the strokes, I can swim competently and fast if I need to. I feel comfortable in a pool, a lake, the sea, all water. And guess what. I LOVE to swim. It is perhaps top of my list of things that bring me joy.
None of this makes any sense, really. My parents had much the same approach to musical instruments and I haven’t touched a piano or violin since I left home. So I suppose it could have gone either way with swimming. Making a child learn something doesn’t guarantee they will.
But the way it DID go, is that I learned. And while I hated it then, I love it now. And I’m so grateful for that.
My parents essentially forced me to do something because they believed it would give me more options in the future - and it did.
I’m grateful to them AND I still don’t think it was right. I am not okay with the violation of consent that took place. I am not okay with the brushing of my emotions under the carpet. I am not okay with the lack of bodily autonomy it involved.
And really the bigger question here is: would I trade my swimming skills as an adult for being heard and respected as a child? Would I risk not being able to swim, or being a poor swimmer, for having felt ownership over my own body, for having been empowered to follow my gut, to make autonomous decisions?
HELL YES.
Because violations of consent, for me, aren’t worth any one particular skill. I may have become an amazing swimmer, but for years I didn’t even enjoy swimming because I was too anxious and depressed to even find a pool, let alone swim in the sea.
Ultimately, for me, pushing through my child’s firm no is never ever going to “pay off” later in their life. No matter how accomplished they become at a given thing. It will never be worth breaking their trust.
And perhaps this comes from a place of privilege - my life did not and does not depend on my swimming skills. Perhaps this would be different if it did.
And of course it doesn’t have to be so black or white. If we have built a solid partnership with our child, we will be able to express to them if something (like swimming) matters to us, and why, and they might be willing to give it a try and see if they enjoy it.
There are all sorts of combinations to be had in that grey area between coercion and letting everything go.
But if my choice had to be a stark one between having a non-negotiable thing I wanted my child to do because I believed it would be good for them in the future, even though they strongly objected, OR hearing those objections and respecting them, I would do the latter.
No skill is worth trampling on a child’s sense of self.
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Fran x
This topic always makes me think of land-based cultures and farmers. Where the family and children all have a lot of work to do for survival. Autonomy in that sense doesn’t really exist. The self doesn’t exist. It’s much more intertwined with the whole. I know many of us don’t live like that but we do have elements of this. When we talk to our kids about jobs in the house, we don’t have a closed, authoritarian approach to work, but we do have a pretty strong expectation that everyone contributes in the way they are able. Not that anything is set in stone. We are a family, and are sensitive to each others’ needs, but...there’s something to say about bringing collective-ness into the conversation of consent.
I love this! I think it’s definitely not black and white. In your example, your parents were not even seeking your input, whereas you have a completely different approach to parenting.
This question also applies to physically overpowering children. I don’t think it’s ever okay, but some people would argue that it sometimes is.