A few days ago, I posted about what I do when my children don’t love the things I love.
Now is the time for honesty, I think. I really was in denial about this for many years and I think that home educating is what pushed me to resolve the issue of projecting my own love of activities, or even often my failed successes or my “I wish I had done xyz” onto my children.
I love to read and I wanted to raise book lovers.
I never really committed to a sport growing up, but I for whatever reason wanted my children to be sporty.
I told myself I never finished things, and so I needed my kids to finish what they started.
I enjoy doing things with my hands (but I often forget I came to this as an adult), and so I wanted my kids to be crafty.
It really is all about us, sometimes.
The thing is, they are their own sovereign persons. They are who they are, and they love what they love. Sure, our values, culture and rituals influence who our children become. But fundamentally, we cannot shape them like clay; we are gardeners, not carpenters, as Alison Gopnik says.
And we are faced with a choice: we can cajole and push them into trying the things we love, hoping they will stick, and push them into being who with think they should be, or we can recognise they get to do what they enjoy, and be who we are, and we get to see that happen and accept it. AND we get to do what we enjoy, love the things we love, regardless.
I want to stop here and recognise the grief some of us might feel when our children simply aren’t into the thing we are so super passionate about. Take sewing, for me. Neither of my children enjoy it. Perhaps one day they will, who knows? But right now, they have zero interest in it. They cheer me on, they love seeing what I make, but they don’t want to participate.
I suppose I could make it so that they would sew to gain my approval - but what sort of relationship would I be creating? One where my consideration and regard is conditional on what my children do?
And so I just pick up my sewing supplies and do the projects myself. I have so much fun. And yes, I feel a little bit of sadness that they aren’t experiencing what I experience. And that’s okay.
We can feel sad our child isn’t loving our interest, AND recognise that they aren’t “missing out” because they are perfectly happy not doing it!
A few years ago, I’d sit and do things in the hope that they would follow. And sometimes they did - when the thing I was doing was interesting to them! But sometimes they didn’t. I decided I was just going to try new things for a few reasons a) I wanted my children to see me do new things b) I wanted to introduce novelty to our lives and c) I hoped they might join in.
I’m not saying these reasons aren’t valid - they are.
I’m only saying that now that my children are older, they don’t feel like enough anymore.
I’m not going to watch a documentary on a topic I have no interest in, in the hopes my children will join in and learn about said topic.
I’m not going to organize a day out to a place nobody wants to see (myself included).
I’m not going to dive into a new craft that I don’t fundamentally want to do myself.
If I try something new, if I spend time on something, it’s going to be because I’m interested and curious, or because I genuinely enjoy it.
I’m going to be doing things like no-one is watching - just for me.
I’m just going to go and do the things I love, and feel happy they are doing the things they love.
And sometimes, we might both do something we love together - but I recognise this might require me to get interested in what they enjoy first, rather than trying to persuade them to be interested in what I find interesting.
And sometimes, they might lean into the things I love, voluntarily. And it will feel every sweeter because I’ll know they are truly consenting to it - in a way that feels authentic and autonomous. I’ll know they’ll feel no pressure to carry on, to finish, to do it more than once.
I’ll know they feel safe in the knowledge that them joining me is not what I secretly desire, what my passions and hobbies are all about.
The things I do are about me, and the ways I choose to live my life. Do I hope they are watching, and seeing me enjoy my life? Sure.
Is that why I do it? I can honestly say that no, it is not. I do it because I am worth it.
Love this Fran, you write so beautifully
Oh, and they are watching you, and picking up what you do. Not the outer appearance but the core of what you show them. If you do stuff just because it is good for others, without loving or enjoying it, they will do something very similar, and maybe even intensify that. Look deeper. You find the things you truly loved and they have made them their own and reshaped them. They do also pick up your lesser traits, yes, and get their own chances to change them around.
Such a good post. Home schooling brings me so close to my son and it is very uncomfortable at times. He teaches me at least as much as I can show him. But I have gained more trust, in him, and in myself. More ability to accept our limitations and the weird thing is that is opens up a whole new learning space. He will encounter a totally different world than the one I grew up in. My best bet is to show him I love myself, love what i do and believe in how i do it. That it is okay to not have answers. To sit with the difficult stuff. Not easy at all. But so very important when humanity is sinking into self hate. Thank you, long for more honest writing like yours....