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Click here for Part 1, and here for Part 2.
Hello friends,
Gosh it’s been a week, and I did think hard about not mentioning the current state of the world, but then I realised I had a few things to say about war, in general, and how we talk to our children about it.
So then I wrote a bit about why I had not spoken to my children about Russia’s attack on Ukraine, after which my husband came home with the children and said they’d talked about the war - he had been talking to his dad about it, they asked questions, and he answered. Over dinner there were more questions, and just yesterday Penelope did some online research on it, and so there you have it.
But the reasons I hadn’t actively brought it up (which, to me, is different to them hearing about it and coming to me with questions) are the following:
They know about war from reading history and learning about wars. They have asked me whether “war still happens” and I have said yes, and we have spoken about current wars in a general sense, and in a more specific sense when it has come up.
I don’t need to talk about this particular war as a way for them to learn about war. They don’t have to arbitrarily know about every single war in order to know about war - if that makes sense. It makes a lot more sense to talk about things when they seem relevant. We used to live in the UAE - there were several moments when conflict with Iran looked imminent, they know about the civil war in Syria, about what is happening in Palestine (we had both Syrian and Palestinian friends). They know their grandparents fought in and lived through World War II. They know the US has started a bunch of wars. This week, I had to ask myself - in what way am I helping them by telling them about yet another tragedy they can do very little about?
Which brings me to another thing I believe: our own hurt, despair and worry is not theirs to bear. My children are learning to cope with what to me seem like minor worries and hurts (but to them, are not) - a toy was lost, a friend did something hurtful - as well as bigger stuff like moving countries, leaving people behind. They are privileged to not have to live through war or famine or significant trauma - I’m well aware of that, and I do think about it. I wish this were the case for all children. It isn’t of course - but does that mean we need need to flood our children with all the hard stuff? I don’t think this is the way to make things right - by making things hard for everyone. Which is why I’ve always tried not to unnecessarily expose my children to things that may traumatize them or make them anxious, before I felt they were ready. Isn’t Covid-19 enough already? And this is why I do speak about wars and famines and poverty and racism, but I will only offer as much detail as I feel they can handle. It will be a slow drip, rather than a flood of information - and the desire to hear it will always come from them.
I get overwhelmed and anxious if I read the news too often, and I’m an adult. I don’t think giving our children the burden to “save the world” or the visual, minute details of the latest conflict or injustice is going to help them shoulder this burden any better than we do. Personally, I focus on what I can do to help. And I feel like talking to our children about current events in this light is more helpful. I was writing to my representative the other day and my daughter saw me, and we ended up chatting about the issue I was writing about, and she then wanted to participate too.
I should add that I never lie or sugarcoat - if my child asks me a question, I answer truthfully, with the amount of detail they are asking from me. If they don’t ask anything else, I stop; if they do, I keep going. This isn’t about giving our children a sugarcoated version of reality, but rather about not flooding them with information about events and problems they are mostly powerless to prevent, for no apparent reason. And it’s also about preserving a sense of hopefulness and belief in the idea that humans, when given the chance, will do the right thing.
I like the way Ieishah Clelland put it in her IG post this week - we don’t necessarily have to go into the details but can call our children’s attention to the bigger significance of a war - any and all war - on our planet: “A conflict or cancer anywhere threatens the survival of our entire organism.”
And also - all the above is the way I do it. I know my children, and they know themselves, which means they will usually stop asking if they know they can’t take more on, or they will let me know what they are ready to know and when. They are both sensitive and anxious. Things can get too much at times.
You know your child best - and they may be willing and able to take on a lot more, or a lot less, or just different.
Actual Life.
Winter is so quiet here, and so beautiful. Now that I’ve been here a while I can’t really imagine being somewhere where you’re not constantly held hostage by the weather and seasons, where your rhythms and days shift based on what is going on outside. I had never truly experienced it and it has won me over. Life is quiet but also occasionally we get the candles out and fill the bathtub just in case we lose power (and therefore water). And the most permission-giving thing about the quiet is that there literally is not much to do - the pressure is OFF. Our choices are limited, and I feel like I can release my grip on our days that much more. I love Maine winters. Who would have thought.
I’m no expert but….
Ok! We’re here - the part where I tell you my thoughts on things people have asked me on Instagram this week. Here goes..
Lovely person: How do you carve out time for yourself when home educating younger children?
This is such a tough one. My deepest, most honest thing to say to this is: you don’t, much. But it will get easier. And then you’ll wake up one day, like today, and realise they don’t need you much, and that you’re having to find things to do with yourself because they’re actually quite happily doing their own thing. But that isn’t very helpful for those of you with littles right now, is it? So I’ve put together a bunch of advise from several other parents and educators, as well as bits of things I remember doing not so long ago, in fact. Some people are big fans of having a rhythm to their days and incorporating some quiet time - whether this is quiet playing on their own for a few minutes, or listening to an audiobook or watching something. Start small, stay strong, don’t expect it to “work” initially. Keep at it. I only really cracked quiet time when mine were a lot older - maybe 5 and 7? I know some people get up early, way before their children, and get their me-time in then. If you can afford some babysitting, I would go for it. If you can have your partner or family member watch your child for a while, do it. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t do more of this. On days when you know you’re going to have literally zero time alone, low expectations help. And also, finding calm and intention in small rituals - like making yourself a cup of tea, or getting outdoors. In desperation, water was always my friend - I just ran a bath for my children and put them in it with a bunch of toys, played music, and hoped for the best. I also brought my kindle with me literally everywhere, and read bits of my book during the day - snatching minutes and sometimes just mere seconds here and there. It’s going to be hard. Advice on self-care is often so stale and improbable, and I dislike it. I would link to posts about it except I’ve rarely ever read something about self-care that didn’t make me want to throw up or give up. I think we each need to find the things that fill us up, and the people who have our back, and work on not feeling ashamed or guilty about bringing both, often simultaneously, into our crazy life. In the end, taking care of ourselves requires a huge amount of vulnerability and putting ourselves out there. Perhaps that’s a place to start. I know it definitely was for me.
Lovely person: How do you get your partner on board with your decision to homeschool? Mine just doesn’t get it and is generally not keen.
A long time ago (in my Montessori-obsessed phase) I was listening to Nicole Kavanaugh speak on a podcast, and someone asked her how she got her husband on board with Montessori parenting and home educating. And I loved her reply: show, don’t tell. Telling is a waste of time, counter-productive and doesn’t work. Model it and if they were going to follow, they will. If they don’t, well, your partner is their own person too. You cannot turn them into the parent you want (them) to be any more than you can magically turn yourself into that parent. I feel like I don’t have anything more than that. I spent years actively trying to get my husband to do things my way, with not much success. Then I realised this: his relationship with my children is between him and them. He’s responsible for how that turns out, not me. I need to focus on MY relationship with them - that’s plenty already. And so I slowly let go, and I’m still working on it (because I don’t let go that easily).
That said, there is also concurrently the space to start a dialogue with a partner. Share articles or podcasts, watch documentaries, read books. If your partner is anything like my husband, they won’t read a single thing you send them. But they might be willing to listen to you speak about stuff you care about. Lastly, can you agree that home education/unschooling is “good enough for now, and safe enough to try?” This is a key mantra in Sociocratic decision-making and I love it because when you start home educating, it helps to think about it this way. You’re giving it a go for a few months, a year perhaps, and seeing how it goes. You don’t know if you will enjoy it, if your children will be into it, if it will work for your family. But you’ll never know unless you try, right? And who knows, your children might not be keen after a while, or you might find it’s not working out for you, or you might all be loving it, including your partner. I’ve been fortunate that although my husband doesn’t particularly want to do things my way, he has never stopped me from doing things my way - he knows deep down that home education is right for us because he can see that the children are doing well in so many ways. He was never a fan of school so I suppose leaving it behind was never such a difficult decision, and we share many of the same opinions on schooling and mainstream parenting. But he wasn’t going to quit his job and homeschool, like, ever. So the peace we have achieved relies on me more or less taking full responsibility for our children’s education, which I’m okay with. I think every family needs to negotiate this in ways that work for them. If the issue is more one of communication than of actual ideology, perhaps looking into respectful ways to have discussions might help (I’ve practiced Non-Violent Communication when things have felt hard or like we weren’t getting anywhere).
Ultimately, there might come a point where you both might need to compromise to an extent. One argument that bears mentioning is this: what makes school the default? If you’re having to make a case for home education than perhaps they should be making a case for school? As far as I can see, there is no evidence that conclusively proves that school-educated children have better outcomes. Lastly, and possibly most importantly, what your child wants to do matters. You may decide they are too young to make an informed decision, which I get, but you may also decide that their voice needs to feature somewhere in the decision-making process, and that your partner may need to make space for listening to them too. It’s such a tough decision but also not an irreversible one - whether your child goes to school or stays home, you have quite a few years to change your minds.
Thank you all for reading. I appreciate your input and discussions, feel free to reach out on here or find me on IG.
Have a wonderful rest of your week!
Fran x