Hello friends,
I took a little break from here, for various reasons, and it felt good!
It felt good to own that I don’t always have to be working and laboring and producing, even if I do love writing this! It’s okay to have super inspired, productive periods, and periods when I don’t actually have that much to say. It’s okay to not have that much to say, to not want to be on social media much, to keep my life and cards close to my chest.
It’s also okay to take periods to reflect, grieve, wallow, despair and hope. All of which I’ve been doing.
I love instagram - but the lie it tells us is that we have to be present, always, constantly. We have to post and share and have opinions and tag people and read everyone’s posts and share some more. We can’t step away or we’ll miss out. We can’t switch off or no-one will be there when we return. I totally get that people who run businesses on social media feel like they need to be there - it’s their job! But even so, they should be able to take breaks without feeling the fomo. And the rest of us - well, even more so! I love my instagram community. And if they all leave me overnight because I’m not posting so much - well, perhaps I was in the wrong community to begin with! That’s my reasoning, at least.
Life, like learning, is just not linear, structured, predictable. We are not robots. These are my little thoughts for today.
Rabbit holes
I went on a bit of a deep dive into what child liberation looks like (and I’m still on it, so expect more!!). I often see unschoolers and SDE folk talk about this, and there does sometimes seems to be an unspoken claim that we unschoolers are the ultimate child liberationists.
I have to disagree with this. I think it can look many ways. But perhaps it would be best to define it first. And like, pick it apart from children’s rights.
I want to say I don’t love the language of rights, and while I won’t go into it now, I will say that this is partially because children’s rights (and all rights) are by definition universal and static. Rights are essentially a liberal, Western construct, applied universally to all children.
And while rights do have a place, child liberation or youth liberation, is not the same as children’s rights. Most definitions of it see it as a push to free young people from age-based oppression in all contexts: home, school, and their community. Child and youth lib is anti-oppression, anti-adultist and anti age-based discrimination. It is concerned with the imbalance of power between the adult-child relationship that can cause oppression, and with a reframing of this relationship on the basis of mutual respect, equity, and centering of humanity. It is also concerned, in a way that children’s rights are not necessarily, with context, identity, place, time and all the variables that make children and families unique. It is concerned with a meeting of needs rather than an affirmation of fixed rights.
All that said – there may be other definitions out there that I’ve missed. Hit me up! I wanna know.
So I suppose the question I’ve been pondering is, what does this actually look like, in real life?
One key element of children’s lib is autonomy and freedom of choice. Autonomy and agency can take so many forms - autonomy of mind and spirit, as well as bodily autonomy and autonomy of place.
And like any discussion on autonomy, we come up against the idea of immediate autonomy, and potential autonomy. Like, does my child feel free and autonomous right now? Or is it worth not “allowing” full autonomy right now, and maintaining a degree of authority as the adult, to prepare them to be more fully autonomous as adults? I believe much of child and youth liberation talk is concerned with immediate autonomy, but I want to just entertain the idea that perhaps both matter.
For me, it doesn’t have to be either/or. Or more accurately, it can be a balance that I negotiate in partnership with my children, and that is always changing and being fine-tuned for each child - which is to say, it might actually look different for my two children. And it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that humans, children and adults, might actually willingly restrict their present autonomy because they believe it will give them more agency in the future.
For some families, this may have to be an actual either/or choice to make, a choice that is more fixed and less negotiable. Do I get comfortable with my child walking to school or to the park even though the streets are dangerous, or do I tell them that is not okay because I want to make sure they are safe, and in some cases, literally stay alive and well so they can become autonomous adults. For some families, the choice between present autonomy and future autonomy may actually look like this – a matter of life, or death, literally. Or a matter of preventing present harm in order to ensure future freedom and success, whatever that may look like. I don’t think there is one magical formula for this - which is part of why it looks different to rights. It is context-dependent, unique to every family and setting and community.
And that is why child liberation cannot look one way. It cannot be this or that, it cannot be static, it cannot be purely about present autonomy and choice and freedom, OR purely about ensuring our children will have autonomy and freedom as adults. Much like consent, or respect, you don’t know whether a child feels free or liberated just by looking at them. There is no one way to practice this.
Personally, I believe that I can give my children as much autonomy as I can comfortably (and sometimes uncomfortably) bear, right now, AND I can also talk to them about ways present autonomy may impact their lives as adults. And this may change from day to day, from phase to phase. My child may not want to choose what to have for breakfast right now, but they might decide they do in a weeks’ time. My child may be totally happy with curriculum-based learning right now, and decide it’s not for them at some point, or vice versa! Also, I may need to acknowledge the role of privilege in my children’s ability to have autonomy of mind, body and place.
It may look like this. Autonomy of mind is our child’s ability to make independent, informed decisions about the ins and outs of their life - big, small and medium things. It is their ability to have agency and control over their own feelings, ideas, opinions. It is their ability to have a degree of emotional space. All this, with our support if needed.
Bodily autonomy is our child’s ability to decide what happens with their body - when and what to eat, what to wear, whether to be touched or not. Autonomy of place is more about our child having a say around whether they go, what they do, and so on.
All these forms of autonomy come with a sense of mutuality, and this, to me, is the crucial thing. If you require others to not hug you, you need to honor that same need and desire in other people. If you wish to have certain beliefs, you need to realise that others must be free to have their own beliefs too. If you work for child liberation, you work for ALL children’s liberation.
So anytime you find yourself granting your child a freedom that another child doesn’t have - well, personally, I pause and reflect on this. It doesn’t mean I won’t empower my child. I most probably still will. But I’ll also recognise that child liberation is not only about my own individual child. And that if I’m not also working for the autonomy of all children, then perhaps what I’m doing isn’t really liberation.
In terms of present and future autonomy and choice, I think where we will all differ is that some of us will be willing to provide our child with a wider choice right now, because we fundamentally believe that no future events should dictate our present choices. That our kids should feel autonomy NOW.
We will all find a comfortable balance here – I’m willing to wager that none of us veer heavily towards one side or the other, all the time; that we’re constantly readjusting our understanding of what this might look like. I know I am.
I’m also often revaluating my understanding of what mutuality looks like. And this is the reason why I don’t often, anymore, talk about “complete freedom” for my children. In fact I don’t even love using the word “freedom,” because it’s so misunderstood. Complete freedom, in the way it’s often perceived, is just not a thing – none of us can do whatever the hell we want. We come up against natural constraints and individual boundaries all the time. Often, this is what curtails my children’s ability to get all of their needs met all the time, to be fully autonomous all the time. I don’t think this means they are not liberated.
Having boundaries and recognizing other people’s boundaries is normal, and is a huge part of this conversation.
In short, I don’t think full autonomy equals liberation. It’s okay to have boundaries around our autonomy and freedom of choice. The two things – boundaries and liberation, are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the two things kinda need each other. Because if boundaries are needs, then we all have them, and we all come across other people’s. We can be liberated (ie. not oppressed) AND recognise people’s boundaries and respect them.
So I suppose this takes us to a place where liberation is not simply autonomy and freedom. There is some of that, for sure. All people should feel a sense of agency and autonomy. It is crucial for us as humans – for our mental and physical health, our motivation, our creativity, our work, our joy and so much more.
But child liberation is also more than autonomy. It is being able to live in the world without being discriminated against based on age and all the connotations that go with that. This might mean feeling like we can say no to the adults in our life, feeling like we can opt out of certain environments, feeling like we have a voice that matters and can make change. It might also look like working towards destroying stereotypes of children, working for a greater understanding of child development, working to create communities that are welcoming of children - for example, with facilities they can actually reach and places they aren’t excluded from. It can look like pushing back on language that is oppressive to children, on harmful narratives, on oppressive parenting.
Liberation is also feeling solidarity from others, especially those in positions of power. Adults having their children’s backs. Adults providing loving support and guidance. Adults listening, empathising, encouraging dissent, staying open enough to change their minds. Being heard and believed. Being validated. Some of those things are, in some ways, much more challenging than releasing control. They are things we adults have to actively DO. And that we may actively struggle to do.
What else is child liberation? I’ve talked about autonomy, freedom of choice, lack of oppression and discrimination, adult solidary and amplifying of children’s voices. All of these things intersect and form relationships unique to individual children and families. It’s all so fascinating and I can only really speak to what works in my own family – that’s how our own parenting and mothering becomes political. How the intimately personal becomes radical.
I’ll stop there – but I’d love to know if there is anything I’ve missed or any of your thoughts on this topic. It’s a big one and there is so much to say!!
Books & more.
Off the top of my head, two books that centre child liberation are Raising Free People by Akilah S. Richards, and John Holt’s Escape from Childhood - both unschooling books, fundamentally. And perhaps child lib comes up for unschoolers because unschoolers have tended to write more on it, or be more vocal about it? I don’t know of a book on child liberation by someone who is not an unschooler, but Eloise Rickman’s Beautiful Parenting course centres children’s liberation and rights, and I know she is also writing a book, which I’m so excited about.
As always, thank you for reading.
Have a wonderful rest of your week!
Fran x